Sermon on Love.

Wednesday, June 2, I preached a sermon at New Life Youth. Here's what I said during it for those of you who missed out:

The whole time I was preparing for this message, I was completely afraid. But the night before as I was looking over everything, the Holy Spirit urged me to read further into a piece of Scripture I had chosen which was 1 John 4:7-21 and it reads:

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. 13 We know that we live in Him and He is us, because He has given us of His Spirit. 14 And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in Him and He in God. 16 And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. 17 In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgement, because in this world we are like Him. 18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 19 We love because He first loved us. 20 If anyone says "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. 21 And He has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love His brother.

After I read that, I knew I had nothing to fear because in verse 18 it said there is no fear in love. And God is love. God lives in me. He lives in you... and He loves each of us, unconditionally. Since God so loved us, we also ought to love each other. And it's asked of us... In Mark 12:30-31 it says 30 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. 31 The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these. Jesus emphatically stated that loving your neighbor is second only to loving God.

So who is your neighbor? It's not just the people sitting next to you, or behind you, that live next door to you, or sit next to you in class. It's every single person that you come into contact with every day.

If we love the Lord God with all our heart, soul and mind, loving our neighbor is the natural result. So how come if we love God, is this such a struggle sometimes? I think the secret in this is to recognize that our neighbor, no matter if we like them as a person or not, is just as worthy of God's love as you or I.

If you really love your neighbor, the first thing you will do is pray for them. As humans we are limited to how much we can help someone else, but God is limitless.

The Bible encourages us in Luke 10:37 to "go and do like-wise." To act as the Good Samaritan did. We are taught to help others in need, not because we feel an obligation to, and not because we expect some type of karmic reward. The reason we help others is because our hearts are supposed to be filled with the same unconditional love for mankind that God maintains. This isn't to say that we could ever entirely mirror God since we are only human. However, we are told to strive to act as Jesus would act even though perfection is unattainable. Continuing to strive for perfection, even knowing that it can never be obtained here on earth, shows God that we aren't seeking rewards for our actions, we're merely seeking to do what is right.

Being a good Christian is about being kind and compassionate to others, not about judging or rejecting someone based off their religion beliefs, culture, or color of their skin. The parable of the Good Samaritan is evidence that God wants us to place compassion above self-interest at all costs.

The one thing I want to leave you with, is the challenge to take loving your neighbor, and go out and live it as it is commanded of us.

Notions of Non-Believers & Faith of Followers.

I've come to learn through talking with non-believers the reasons why they don't believe in God, and I truthfully have to say that it makes me terribly sad. Some have said that when they tried living "religiously" and for God that they weren't happy, and when they began living for themselves that's when they became happiest. But you see, that's exactly what will happen. Satan has taken their life and given them what they want, just to try to trick them into thinking that "they don't need God." And the sad thing is, they believe it. But these people still live with a void inside of them, and they turn to drugs, sex, or other forms of addiction in order to fill it... when really it is only Him that can. One big reason I've heard a lot that they don't like religion is because of the radical Christians who try to ram it down their throats, bash their lifestyle, or are just completely hypocritical. The wolves in sheep's clothing. That in itself makes me terribly sad, that there are people out there that do that to so many and don't even realize half the time they're doing it. But despite it all, God decided to give us free will to chose to love Him and live for Him or not in the first place, and regardless of who we may meet or the things we may hear others say. If He didn't and we all loved Him, it would be a forced love... an empty love. And that's not real love.

I guess I can understand a little coming from a home myself where I wasn't raised to believe in God how it could sometimes be hard to believe in something that you can't see or anything

along those lines. But if you really look, you will see His spirit move. If you simply look at the things around you on this Earth, you see God and His creations. You don't need to see air to know that it's there... you can feel it when you breathe... when there is a slight breeze that brushes your skin. God is the same. You may not be able to see Him, but when you let Him in-breathe Him in- you can feel Him, and just like your lungs are filled, you are filled. With His love, His joy, His peace... that void we are all born with becomes whole.

"I have not seen Heaven, I haven't seen your face, but I've seen your spirit move." - "Fame" (Rush of Fools)

Conflictions.

Life can be so confusing at times... and even the use of prayer doesn't always get you out of that hole. I finally opened my heart back up and let a new boy in... only for him to no longer have those feelings towards me. He said God told him that his purpose in my life is to be my friend... the final push towards God. And he was. How can I argue with something like that... with a higher power? The only thing I don't understand is why I was being led towards him over and over while he was being led away. I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to work out someday than it will. But the feelings for him have gotten worse, and we keep changing... barely texting throughout the day, slight awkwardness when we hang out...

I feel so conflicted lately not only with how I feel about him when I know that I shouldn't, but also with the situation I am in. I try to accept it, but I can't. My heart yearns for him, when I

know that it shouldn't. I am stuck in the same familiar feeling of a relationship ending, though ours never even got to be.

I know I just have to keep pressing in with my faith and pursuing God, for everything He does is for the good of us. I'm not sure why the feelings for Blake have gotten deeper instead of shallower as I have been praying for, but I know in time everything will work out how it should. Prayer would be greatly appreciated for me to help get me through this.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." - Romans 8:28

Testimony of Hope & Healing.

I grew up in a home where I wasn’t raised to know Jesus… I didn’t go to church, we didn’t pray before our meals or before we went to bed, and there wasn’t a Bible in my home. I always believed there was a God, but I never had a real relationship with Him, and that was because I simply didn’t know how.
I believe everything, both good and bad, happens for a reason. I also believe those things that are bad also lead to something good. When I was fifteen years old, someone took advantage of me and manipulated me. Eventually my parents found out, and they decided it’d be good for me to go to a Christian school (Post Falls Christian Academy) where I could learn to “be good.” I have to say, that was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
God first touched my heart at the retreat the school had right before the school year began. Pastor Caleb was none other than the one who spoke that night during worship. God spoke right through Him to me the very thing I needed to hear and I started bawling. That was the first time I had gotten the smallest taste of what life knowing God was like.
The past few years, I have gone to church by choice, but still never really got close enough to have a real relationship with God. Maybe I was afraid of that commitment? I am not too sure the reason why… I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I didn’t grow up in a Christian home… it makes it really hard to believe with all your heart in something you didn’t grow up being taught was real.
This past October someone very important came into my life. He has become my best friend, and I feel like in a way he saved me from the person I was becoming. This person is Blake Ridgewell. He has influenced me to be the better person I have always wanted to be and is just so uplifting and so amazing as a person. He is the one, in fact, who introduced me to the NLY.
I have been coming to the NLY since January 13th, and it has changed my life. I have become so addicted to going and with what God has been doing for me since I have started. The second time I went to NLY, I still had the burning doubt inside of me that none of it was true. Ever since I decided to become a Christian I struggled with that. So when they did the alter call that night, I went out the doors to the right and spoke with Debby Hanks, another amazing person I have met recently. She prayed for those feelings to go away, and sure enough the next time I came to NLY it was gone and hasn’t been back since.
Everyone I have met at NLY has welcomed me with open arms and been so caring, which is extremely important to me because I don’t have that many friends outside of NLY. Not many people I have met lately have been true and uplifting people you can share true friendship with. I don’t have my family to turn to whenever I want because they are constantly out of town doing business and I am left alone. Because of this, all of the people I have met through New Life Youth are held in the dearest place of my heart and I am so thankful for every one.
This last week in particular God has really been doing great changes in my life. On February 10th, he used a girl a few years younger than me who happened to have the same name as me to tell me the exact words I had been praying to hear that entire night. On February 13th, my back pains associated with my scoliosis started acting up to the point where I couldn’t move my right arm without a sharp pain firing down my shoulder-blade. Blake asked to pray for me, and I kept praying for healing the next few days. On the 16th I went to my physical therapy appointment, as I have always been the past 5 months, and told my therapist about the pain I had experienced on Saturday, and that I didn’t feel it that day. He checked everything and said that my shoulders, neck, hips, and back were all completely in alignment and he had no explanation as to why everything was perfect after the pain I described to him. But I had one. It was all thanks to God and the amazing abilities of prayer. Just as I was finishing up physical therapy, Blake randomly thought of the pain I was in, and a peace washed over him. Right after that, I texted him and told him I had good news. I called him and told him that I had been discharged from physical therapy and don’t have to go back anymore. It’s been 2 days since my appointment and I still feel better than I have since I discovered I have scoliosis over a year ago.
Yesterday, Hannah Goodwin, Kayla Blythe and Hannah Billick all prayed for me to experience joy with God, and the Holy Spirit that is inside me since I had never experienced it as they have. Last night at NLY during the alter call I felt so unbelievably joyful inside, like I was overflowing with it, drunk off of laughter. I looked around me and saw others weren’t experiencing that same thing, but rather tears of sadness. So I closed my eyes and began to pray that everyone would have smiles on their face, be laughing and dancing… and when I finally opened my eyes again I saw just that, which just made the joy flow from me even more.
I am sure there are those of you who weren’t raised in a Christian home. You had to seek God out for yourself… maybe you haven’t fully found Him or have that nagging feeling of doubt. But if you open your heart up, amazing things will begin to happen. Don’t be afraid to ask for prayer, or guidance from a friend. No matter what you may be thinking, or the things you may choose to do, God won’t stop seeking your heart. I have come to realize this over the past few weeks that He has been with me all along and always will be. God loves each of us unconditionally, and there is no greater thing. Wherever you may be on your journey with Him, don’t lose sight of that.

Behold, I will bring health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. -- Jeremiah 33:6

The Happiness Project.

I recently read a book about a project the author did for herself called The Happiness Project. In it she had made some commandments to try to live by everyday. Feeling inspired, I created some of my own. There are 50 altogether. Hopefully posting them up somewhere in my room will only continue to better myself as a person. Maybe this list will inspire you to make your own, and make little improvements in your life yourself. :)

Personal Commandments

1. Stay as mindful as possible in every moment.
2. Listen more.
3. Let go.
4. Create structure.
5. Smile.
6. Mean what you say and say what you mean.
7. I have the ultimate control over how I feel.
8. Remember what is important.
9. Don't compare myself to others.
10. It's okay to say no.
11. Don't complain.
12. Follow through.
13. Never settle.
14. Look for the best in others.
15. Live in the moment.
16. Think about what others might be going through and recognize it for what it's worth.
17. Wake up with a happy thought every morning.
18. Constantly better myself by learning new things and stepping out of my comfort zone.
19. Put God first in all I do.
20. Meditate or sit in silence once a day.
21. Go on walks alone to contemplate life and think.
22. Think of all the blessings you have despite a dilemma or rough/tough day.
23. Save money, stop spending on useless things.
24. Eat healthy 5 days... exercise at least 3. Drink more water and less soda.
25. Remember the person I once was before the wrong people entered my life.
26. Find something everyday to be happy about.
27. Try to pick out the good things in a situation, and less of the bad.
28. Volunteer more and give, with no expectations in return.
29. Keep organized and pick up.
30. Read, write and express creativity.
31. Engage in taking chances.
32. Hold relationships close and friendships closer.
33. Stay away from "toxic" unhealthy people in my life.
34. Pay close attention to studies and put them first.
35. Go enjoy local music or art at least once a week.
36. Get plenty of sleep.
37. Take time to pray everyday.
38. Don't take what you currently have for granted.
39. Be kind, be helpful, be sincere.
40. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.
41. It's not all about me. Think of others. Admit when I'm wrong.
42. Stop waiting for the world to change. Become the change.
43. Continue my spiritual and personal growth.
44. Lift up others daily with words - speak life not death.
45. Judge not, unless I want to be judged by the same standard.
46. Think and speak positively about everything- anything negative I say, people will associate that negative thing with myself.
47. Remember everyone is a human being with feelings... put those feelings first before you speak. Everyone is being the best they can be already. Give them some slack.
48. Finish what I start.
49. Learn to trust. Learn faith.
50. Be Kelly. :)
"Whoever is happy will make others happy too." - Anne Frank.

A Letter to Lost Love.

I sit here alone tonight... my mind traveling back to times we had. Loneliness aches deep within my soul. Life was so much easier the past few weeks when you had gone away... getting to taste how sweet life was without me no longer having to see you in it... When I see you, I can't help but want to touch your skin... embrace you as I used to. I have forgotten what that feels like. What it feels to have your hand upon my skin, that security, that love. You loved me once, didn't you? How is it that you could have so easily forgotten, when I sit here half a year later and still remember it as if it were yesterday. Your hands... how I wish I could entwine yours once again with mine... perfect pieces to a puzzle. Entwined just as our hearts were. But if there ever were to be an opportunity for me to experience what we had again, I would say no to it. For even though I love you, I know things would never be the same. After everything you have put me through after the past few months, there is no saving it. Our love died the moment "I can't do this anymore" escaped from your lips. I tasted it, as those words lingered in the air... felt our love's heart stop beating... It is the hardest thing for me to have to say we are over, as it is the last thing that I would ever want in this life. It's hard to admit it. But it's the truth. And true to myself I must be. Please forget me, lost love. Leave, and never return. I don't want to feel your presence anymore. It hurts too much to remember. I will always cherish memories of you...
- Kelly Ann

"All that we are is defined by each others' shipwrecked hearts..." - Jason Reeves ("Entwined")

l'espoir est le rêve d'une âme éveillée

l'espoir est le rêve d'une âme éveillée. Hope is the dream of a soul awake. My soul is finally waking up. It's wiping its eyes, letting the sunlight of a brand new day blanket it. The tearstains on my soul's pillowcase are fading... the ghost of them still there, just as the hurt still is inside, but it's not as bad. My soul has been awakened as it begins to embrace hope.
I have been blessed with a soul sister... one who shares the horrible pain I wish no other would ever have to endure. Neither one of us deserve it, and yet it's there. I am just thankful I am no longer alone in the healing. There has never been anyone else in my life that knows exactly what I am feeling. Sure, I have shared love and feelings of love... but hurt, it runs a lot deeper.
In 2 days, 2009 will come to it's end, and with it I am going to leave behind my sorrow, and my pain. I am going to embrace 2010 as my opportunity to be happy again. A fresh start. This life is my own, and that is how I am going to live it. And I have every intention of embracing my soul sister's hand, and taking her with me, and side by side we will awaken our souls, and find the light and happiness in our hearts we so deserve.


"Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles." - Samuel Smiles.

Where Once There Was Nothing.

Once again it's been a while since I've written... I thought maybe I should just to let all of you who occasionally read this to know that I am doing a lot better, and to not worry about my heart any longer. It has been saved as I have drawn closer with God, and I am still continuing to do so. Where once there was nothing, hope and love is filled. Now that I am doing a lot better, there is a lot of repairing I have to do in my life. To those I may have shunned in my own selfish attempt to save my feelings, to those I didn't lend an ear to when they needed someone in their own time of grief or suffering, and to those who I simply didn't give the time of day to. To you, I am deeply sorry. Nobody but myself will ever know the amount of suffering I went through over the past four months. Everyone loves differently in deeper ways, and everyone grieves over loss in different ways. But that is no excuse for the other pain I may have caused. I've gained friends, lost friends, made good decisions and bad decisions, but that's all a part of the journey of life.
It's been heavy on my heart lately to speak with a few people and to let them know my deepest regrets. Maybe it's too late. Maybe it isn't. I've been praying about what I should do, and some I feel I should speak to, so I will. If I am hurt in the process, I'll only learn from it.
Lately I feel like I have been called to help people less fortunate than I. I feel so selfish sitting around moping about little things that aren't better in my life, when not only could I fix it, but that there are people out there less fortunate than me. This Christmas I plan on donating to Operation Christmas Child, as well as other organizations like Light Gives Heat, to help those in other countries who need help the most.
There is a book I am reading by my favorite author Donald Miller called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It is about living your life to the fullest, and using the time you have wisely and making the most out of everything. I plan on applying all of it to my life. A lot of people have told me lately they've seen a change in me, and I am going to continue to change for the better.
To all of you reading this, I hope that it motivates you to do the same in your life. It's too short not to make things that are wrong right again in your heart. There is no knowing how much time we have here. Where once there may be nothing, there could be hope, happiness and love.


"I don't ever want to go back to believing life is meaningless. I know there are biochemical causes for some forms of depression, but I wish people who struggle against dark thoughts would risk their hopes on living a good story- by that I mean finding a team of people doing hard work for a noble cause and joining them. I think they'd be surprised how fast their sad thoughts would dissipate, if for no other reason they didn't have time to think about them anymore." -Donald Miller "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."

A Hole In My Pocket.

It's been a while since I've written on here because I don't have much else to say about my life and the things I've been going through. Nothing has really improved. It's kind of sick and twisted that last year was the best year I've ever known, and I get to follow up with that one with the worst one. I've come to learn about myself that when I love, I love wholeheartedly. The walls I built up around me when I was dating Scott made me feel safe... it was a structure that was supposed to stay standing. I didn't expect it all to come crumbling down. But it has. And now I am standing in a pile of rubble and don't know where to start to begin putting it all back together again. I've come to know God lately in a way that has amazed me, and I look to Him now for healing. I have humbled myself in the most humiliating and pleading way, and now all I have to do is wait, and live my life for Him. Love Him wholeheartedly. It's comforting to know that with Him, those walls will stay standing until long after I leave this earth. That's the only hope I can be given in this life.

"There's a hole in my pocket that's about his size, but I think everything is gonna be alright, I hope everything is gonna be alright..." Joshua Radin ("Will's Lullaby")

Walking Down This Road Alone.

It's been three months now, and I am still wandering down my path of life alone. I am no better now than I was when Scott first left, though I'm not worse either. I feel like I need to get some sort of closure in order to start feeling better, but I am too afraid to ask for it. There's not much else that I have left to lose at this point, but I don't want to ruin the progress we've been making when it comes to occasionally talking at work. Do I risk it and ask? Or do I sit here suffering in silence? I don't even know what I would say if the opportunity arose for me to get to talk to him about everything. I know that once you close the door it will never be the way it was before... so I've already lost. Why is it that love is both the most amazing feeling in the world and the worst when you lose it? But if I had to choose between love and losing, and to never have known that amazing feeling, I still will side with love. This suffering is such an unbearable hurting, and my heart goes out tonight to all the millions of other hearts aching for someone they lost... I feel almost at peace knowing I am not on my own in this, though I am walking down this road alone.

"I'm walking down this road alone, and I figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. My head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away, and I'm just waiting to fall in droplets and sink into your skin." - Jason Reeves ("Droplets")

Connected Souls & Lifted Voices.

I am a dreamer... I see the world not only for what it is, but for what it could be. I believe love is one of the greatest things we can come to know on earth. In my heart there is the greatest faith that everything will turn out alright in the end. I live my life everyday thankful for everything I have and the beauty around me. This world is an amazing place. Sometimes you just have to look a little deeper than the ugly illusion on the surface to see the beauty that's really there. I'm not afraid to be alive. These days so many people are. I sing because it's a connection. When we gather to listen to music all of our souls grab hands, and lift their voices up together. We become one. And there is no better feeling in the world..."The children outside all are laughing under perfect skies, The shapes and patterns in this season make me feel alive, I wanna shout it from the roof top and tell the world that, “I was blind but now I see what’s right in front of me...”, It’s a beautiful world I see, everything looks differently, It’s a beautiful world I see, these moments are changing me, When I look at the sky I see the reason why I know... When I look out from the window, The moon and stars shine all their lights down from the heavens, I choir of angels strike a chord and lift their voices , And then we sing out,“I’ve been lost but now I’ve found what’s right in front of me...”" - Tim Myers ("Beautiful World")

Oxygen & Drifting Clouds.

Music is my oxygen. My connection with the ones around me, and my escape. Breathing in, breathing out. When I am creating music through my voice and guitar, the feeling is indescribable. Like drifting clouds on a brilliant day. Love.
There are two artists that have inspired me the most... Colbie Caillat and Jason Reeves. I have had the honor of meeting Jason twice, and tell him how much he has meant to me musically. He told me to be magical with my music, and that is something I plan to do. This next month, I get the opportunity to also meet Colbie after her performance I am going to see, so I am blessed in many ways in that area of my life. The area that runs the deepest. The words those two write are brilliant, and I hope one day to be able to write like them myself. Even though they can't see it here, thank you Jason & Colbie, for being the inspiration in my life.


"I'm not sure what is a dream and what is real. Or if real is a real word and if words even exist outside of our imagination..I still can't say for certain if falling asleep is opening your eyes in the morning or closing them at night. And im lonely. But not sadly. Everybody is alone. I want love like love wants love..oxygen and drifting clouds. And im not scared to be alive. These days more people are. Money is an illusion. The world has been gaining some sort of momentum over "time" and every day it's spinning faster. We are growing up too quick. Someday I'll start to. I write music because it feels like breathing. I sing because it is connection. I wish everybody would sing with me and without even gathering together sing so honestly that the songs could be carried on wind and heard at every point in the universe, even in translation. I wish there were no more bombs or bullets. And I wish we'd stop using politicians for negotiations. People are far too beautiful at heart to be introduced so cruelly into the blinding brilliant world. Children. If there were to be a new beginning. Would it all come out the same way again?" - Jason Reeves

Here Comes The Sun.

I am finally beginning to see the sun in my life peeking out behind the clouds. :)
I've reached the point in my life where I have realized it's not HIM that I necessarily miss, but what we had and what we shared. But there is going to come a time in my life when I will find that again with someone else. Things are now beginning to look up for me. I have a new look for a whole new start, am about to move in with two amazing girls from Montana that I can't wait to meet in person, will have new classes and make new friends in one weeks time... and I will be back on the market, out to find the real person who is meant to capture my heart. I am no longer afraid of looking. I am so sick of the way I've been treated lately, and the things that have been said. I'm letting go of all the negative energy in my heart, and all the terrible feelings inside. Only I can decide when they are let go, and it's time for it all to be set free. Goodbye, Scott. :)

"Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces, Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here, Here comes the sun, here comes the sun , and I say it's all right..."- The Beatles ("Here Comes The Sun")

Blank Pages.

I put away the journal Scott made me the day we broke up. I couldn't bear to look at another page- another message from him confessing his love, or stickers expressing happiness, when I no longer know what that feels like at all. This entire summer, I've put that journal away, and haven't started a new one, even though I've bought two others. I keep holding onto the hope of him changing his mind, so I can go back to my journal again. It's pathetic.

(484) Days of Scott.

I saw (500) Days of Summer tonight and I think for the first time in my entire life I can relate to a character from a movie. The story is of boy meets girl, but isn't a love story, but instead a story about love. The girl, Summer, leaves the boy, Tom, and he would do anything to get her back. In the end, he doesn't win but it showed me that there will be someone else out there for me eventually... someone else I am meant to meet by fate. I met Scott 484 days ago today, and I still feel the same way about him after all this time. I would do anything to get him back. I feel like there is nobody else out there for me. Some days I relapse into this state of being, where I am in my body, but not really there. I am stuck in a trance, wanting to believe that my reality is a farce.
I am at 484 days and counting. I think I will be breaking Tom's record in the movie of the number of days it will take to let go of the one I love. But I have faith that my Autumn is following right after this Summer season.

"Tom: Did you ever even have a boyfriend? Summer: Of course. Tom: What happened, why didn’t they work out? Summer: What always happens? Life." - (500) Days Of Summer.

Change.

Change: v. to make or become different; transform.

My life has decided to do a whole lot of that over the past month and a half. But I guess that's a part of living... going through transitions that will turn you into the person you're meant to become. Lately I've felt so alone... I've turned to God, but even that doesn't seem to be enough. I'm physically alone here on Earth it seems. I know I have my friends and my family, but there is something missing... him. I've come to accept the fact that he no longer wants to be with me, but I can't accept the fact that I don't know why. I don't know why he can just drop all we had, or why he can be okay without me, when I'm not really okay without him. The feeling comes and goes in waves... like ocean water breaking over my feet, then rushing backwards again, leaving my skin exposed to sunlight and air once again. I don't think there will ever come a time when a part of me won't be waiting for him, always. Waiting for him to miss me. Waiting for him to realize that our story was a beautiful one most people don't have for themselves to tell. And knowing that my heart will always hold him dearly in it, frightens me.


"You've been away too long, but she will choose to believe, and her heart is so strong, it's strong enough, if only it could see, always, always she waits for you, always, always she waits for you, always, everday she waits, instead you walk away." - "Always" (Peter Bradley Adams)

Tearing Heartstrings.

The other night at church, Dave our speaker, asked us to stand and lift our hands up to God like we were little children wanting to be picked up by our daddies. He told us by doing this we'd be following up on the message that was spoken about wanting God to save us from the places inside we want to heal. I closed my eyes and reached for the sky. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me as the song came to a close and we lowered our arms. I truly felt like God had right there begun to heal my heart. But tonight, two days after I asked to be healed, Scott texted me while intoxicated asking how I honestly felt about him. I told him that I loved him and always would but I had to be strong about the fact we broke up and want to at least be friends if anything. He wrote back saying he it wasn't the best time to mention that sort of thing and he apologized and said he had to go, and I know it was only because he was drunk which is okay. But at the same time, by him asking me that simple question, I feel like someone has grabbed me by my ankle and dragged me all the way back down to rock bottom on the murky ocean floor. I no longer can see the light breaking over the surface just ahead of me. My heartstrings are being tugged so hard and can't take much more. If they rip, who knows how long it will take for me to mend it. I just want things to be how they were.


"You can't play on broken strings, you can't feel anything..." - James Morrison ("Broken Strings")

Broken Wings.

I want to get out of this town so badly... but I feel like a bird with broken wings. I am stuck...can't go anywhere... though I feel the urge so deep within me to fly away, like its something I have to do.
Tomorrow marks another year since I came into this world. Some years have been better than others... if I had looked at my life in last years perspective to now, I would not have even imagined my life turning into what it has. Last year I was in love, had tons of friends I could count on, and was truly happy. Who would have thought that only one year down the road, all of that would be snatched from right out from underneath me? Was it me who changed, or was it in fact, them?
I guess some things in life can't be explained... there has to be some reason why I am still stuck in this little town. I just hope that my wings heal soon, and I can fly away and not ever look back.


"You were alone, you were constantly broken, you felt so unloved, you were left abandoned, what a difference love can make, to the deep heartbreak." - 33 Miles ("This Is Now")

Atonement.

I feel like if I don't make cordial amends with my ex, we may never get to that point. People say that time is the best thing for it right now, and I know that's got to be true, but at the same time I'm so frightened that if we don't at least try to talk, we'll go our separate ways and never find each other again. Someone who meant the world to you should still be a part of that world in some way, even if they can't be the entire thing anymore.

"How we must atone, before we turn to stone..." - Ingrid Michaelson

I do also believe the saying that if you love something you should let it go and if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was. So I guess for now, I am going to have to let go of Scott once and for all, like letting go of a balloon and watching it float quickly out of my grasp. Though unlike a balloon, there is a chance he could come back. It may not be now, but maybe eventually things will be different and he'll once again want a relationship. I'm not going to expect it, and I am not going to focus on it. I am going to watch it fade into the great open skies until I can't see it anymore and it's gone. Everything happens for a reason. I just have this feeling somewhere inside of me that this isn't the end of my story with Scott. I believe there is more to come, even if it can't be continued right now.


"The only way to really know, is to really let it go." - Ingrid Michaelson

Summer Sunsets & Life Journeys.

The sky tonight is painted purple and gold. I'm outside, feeling the warm summer air and listening to the birds. I'm at peace with the world as it begins to go to sleep for the night.
I watch the sun sink quickly behind a hill and disappear until tomorrow when it will rise and give me a new start to a new day.
It's exciting not knowing what tomorrow will hold, if I'll meet someone new, make someone smile, have something make me cry... But I guess that's all a part of the mystery of life.
I believe there is a plan for all of us... a story already etched out where everything that happens to us in our lives is meant to.
We're supposed to experience loss and love, sadness and joy, tears and laughter... it's all a part of the journey and I am thankful for everyone who has been a part of mine.


"Only a life lived for others is a life worth while." -Albert Einstein