l'espoir est le rêve d'une âme éveillée

l'espoir est le rêve d'une âme éveillée. Hope is the dream of a soul awake. My soul is finally waking up. It's wiping its eyes, letting the sunlight of a brand new day blanket it. The tearstains on my soul's pillowcase are fading... the ghost of them still there, just as the hurt still is inside, but it's not as bad. My soul has been awakened as it begins to embrace hope.
I have been blessed with a soul sister... one who shares the horrible pain I wish no other would ever have to endure. Neither one of us deserve it, and yet it's there. I am just thankful I am no longer alone in the healing. There has never been anyone else in my life that knows exactly what I am feeling. Sure, I have shared love and feelings of love... but hurt, it runs a lot deeper.
In 2 days, 2009 will come to it's end, and with it I am going to leave behind my sorrow, and my pain. I am going to embrace 2010 as my opportunity to be happy again. A fresh start. This life is my own, and that is how I am going to live it. And I have every intention of embracing my soul sister's hand, and taking her with me, and side by side we will awaken our souls, and find the light and happiness in our hearts we so deserve.


"Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles." - Samuel Smiles.

Where Once There Was Nothing.

Once again it's been a while since I've written... I thought maybe I should just to let all of you who occasionally read this to know that I am doing a lot better, and to not worry about my heart any longer. It has been saved as I have drawn closer with God, and I am still continuing to do so. Where once there was nothing, hope and love is filled. Now that I am doing a lot better, there is a lot of repairing I have to do in my life. To those I may have shunned in my own selfish attempt to save my feelings, to those I didn't lend an ear to when they needed someone in their own time of grief or suffering, and to those who I simply didn't give the time of day to. To you, I am deeply sorry. Nobody but myself will ever know the amount of suffering I went through over the past four months. Everyone loves differently in deeper ways, and everyone grieves over loss in different ways. But that is no excuse for the other pain I may have caused. I've gained friends, lost friends, made good decisions and bad decisions, but that's all a part of the journey of life.
It's been heavy on my heart lately to speak with a few people and to let them know my deepest regrets. Maybe it's too late. Maybe it isn't. I've been praying about what I should do, and some I feel I should speak to, so I will. If I am hurt in the process, I'll only learn from it.
Lately I feel like I have been called to help people less fortunate than I. I feel so selfish sitting around moping about little things that aren't better in my life, when not only could I fix it, but that there are people out there less fortunate than me. This Christmas I plan on donating to Operation Christmas Child, as well as other organizations like Light Gives Heat, to help those in other countries who need help the most.
There is a book I am reading by my favorite author Donald Miller called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It is about living your life to the fullest, and using the time you have wisely and making the most out of everything. I plan on applying all of it to my life. A lot of people have told me lately they've seen a change in me, and I am going to continue to change for the better.
To all of you reading this, I hope that it motivates you to do the same in your life. It's too short not to make things that are wrong right again in your heart. There is no knowing how much time we have here. Where once there may be nothing, there could be hope, happiness and love.


"I don't ever want to go back to believing life is meaningless. I know there are biochemical causes for some forms of depression, but I wish people who struggle against dark thoughts would risk their hopes on living a good story- by that I mean finding a team of people doing hard work for a noble cause and joining them. I think they'd be surprised how fast their sad thoughts would dissipate, if for no other reason they didn't have time to think about them anymore." -Donald Miller "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."

A Hole In My Pocket.

It's been a while since I've written on here because I don't have much else to say about my life and the things I've been going through. Nothing has really improved. It's kind of sick and twisted that last year was the best year I've ever known, and I get to follow up with that one with the worst one. I've come to learn about myself that when I love, I love wholeheartedly. The walls I built up around me when I was dating Scott made me feel safe... it was a structure that was supposed to stay standing. I didn't expect it all to come crumbling down. But it has. And now I am standing in a pile of rubble and don't know where to start to begin putting it all back together again. I've come to know God lately in a way that has amazed me, and I look to Him now for healing. I have humbled myself in the most humiliating and pleading way, and now all I have to do is wait, and live my life for Him. Love Him wholeheartedly. It's comforting to know that with Him, those walls will stay standing until long after I leave this earth. That's the only hope I can be given in this life.

"There's a hole in my pocket that's about his size, but I think everything is gonna be alright, I hope everything is gonna be alright..." Joshua Radin ("Will's Lullaby")

Walking Down This Road Alone.

It's been three months now, and I am still wandering down my path of life alone. I am no better now than I was when Scott first left, though I'm not worse either. I feel like I need to get some sort of closure in order to start feeling better, but I am too afraid to ask for it. There's not much else that I have left to lose at this point, but I don't want to ruin the progress we've been making when it comes to occasionally talking at work. Do I risk it and ask? Or do I sit here suffering in silence? I don't even know what I would say if the opportunity arose for me to get to talk to him about everything. I know that once you close the door it will never be the way it was before... so I've already lost. Why is it that love is both the most amazing feeling in the world and the worst when you lose it? But if I had to choose between love and losing, and to never have known that amazing feeling, I still will side with love. This suffering is such an unbearable hurting, and my heart goes out tonight to all the millions of other hearts aching for someone they lost... I feel almost at peace knowing I am not on my own in this, though I am walking down this road alone.

"I'm walking down this road alone, and I figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. My head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away, and I'm just waiting to fall in droplets and sink into your skin." - Jason Reeves ("Droplets")

Connected Souls & Lifted Voices.

I am a dreamer... I see the world not only for what it is, but for what it could be. I believe love is one of the greatest things we can come to know on earth. In my heart there is the greatest faith that everything will turn out alright in the end. I live my life everyday thankful for everything I have and the beauty around me. This world is an amazing place. Sometimes you just have to look a little deeper than the ugly illusion on the surface to see the beauty that's really there. I'm not afraid to be alive. These days so many people are. I sing because it's a connection. When we gather to listen to music all of our souls grab hands, and lift their voices up together. We become one. And there is no better feeling in the world..."The children outside all are laughing under perfect skies, The shapes and patterns in this season make me feel alive, I wanna shout it from the roof top and tell the world that, “I was blind but now I see what’s right in front of me...”, It’s a beautiful world I see, everything looks differently, It’s a beautiful world I see, these moments are changing me, When I look at the sky I see the reason why I know... When I look out from the window, The moon and stars shine all their lights down from the heavens, I choir of angels strike a chord and lift their voices , And then we sing out,“I’ve been lost but now I’ve found what’s right in front of me...”" - Tim Myers ("Beautiful World")

Oxygen & Drifting Clouds.

Music is my oxygen. My connection with the ones around me, and my escape. Breathing in, breathing out. When I am creating music through my voice and guitar, the feeling is indescribable. Like drifting clouds on a brilliant day. Love.
There are two artists that have inspired me the most... Colbie Caillat and Jason Reeves. I have had the honor of meeting Jason twice, and tell him how much he has meant to me musically. He told me to be magical with my music, and that is something I plan to do. This next month, I get the opportunity to also meet Colbie after her performance I am going to see, so I am blessed in many ways in that area of my life. The area that runs the deepest. The words those two write are brilliant, and I hope one day to be able to write like them myself. Even though they can't see it here, thank you Jason & Colbie, for being the inspiration in my life.


"I'm not sure what is a dream and what is real. Or if real is a real word and if words even exist outside of our imagination..I still can't say for certain if falling asleep is opening your eyes in the morning or closing them at night. And im lonely. But not sadly. Everybody is alone. I want love like love wants love..oxygen and drifting clouds. And im not scared to be alive. These days more people are. Money is an illusion. The world has been gaining some sort of momentum over "time" and every day it's spinning faster. We are growing up too quick. Someday I'll start to. I write music because it feels like breathing. I sing because it is connection. I wish everybody would sing with me and without even gathering together sing so honestly that the songs could be carried on wind and heard at every point in the universe, even in translation. I wish there were no more bombs or bullets. And I wish we'd stop using politicians for negotiations. People are far too beautiful at heart to be introduced so cruelly into the blinding brilliant world. Children. If there were to be a new beginning. Would it all come out the same way again?" - Jason Reeves

Here Comes The Sun.

I am finally beginning to see the sun in my life peeking out behind the clouds. :)
I've reached the point in my life where I have realized it's not HIM that I necessarily miss, but what we had and what we shared. But there is going to come a time in my life when I will find that again with someone else. Things are now beginning to look up for me. I have a new look for a whole new start, am about to move in with two amazing girls from Montana that I can't wait to meet in person, will have new classes and make new friends in one weeks time... and I will be back on the market, out to find the real person who is meant to capture my heart. I am no longer afraid of looking. I am so sick of the way I've been treated lately, and the things that have been said. I'm letting go of all the negative energy in my heart, and all the terrible feelings inside. Only I can decide when they are let go, and it's time for it all to be set free. Goodbye, Scott. :)

"Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces, Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here, Here comes the sun, here comes the sun , and I say it's all right..."- The Beatles ("Here Comes The Sun")

Blank Pages.

I put away the journal Scott made me the day we broke up. I couldn't bear to look at another page- another message from him confessing his love, or stickers expressing happiness, when I no longer know what that feels like at all. This entire summer, I've put that journal away, and haven't started a new one, even though I've bought two others. I keep holding onto the hope of him changing his mind, so I can go back to my journal again. It's pathetic.

(484) Days of Scott.

I saw (500) Days of Summer tonight and I think for the first time in my entire life I can relate to a character from a movie. The story is of boy meets girl, but isn't a love story, but instead a story about love. The girl, Summer, leaves the boy, Tom, and he would do anything to get her back. In the end, he doesn't win but it showed me that there will be someone else out there for me eventually... someone else I am meant to meet by fate. I met Scott 484 days ago today, and I still feel the same way about him after all this time. I would do anything to get him back. I feel like there is nobody else out there for me. Some days I relapse into this state of being, where I am in my body, but not really there. I am stuck in a trance, wanting to believe that my reality is a farce.
I am at 484 days and counting. I think I will be breaking Tom's record in the movie of the number of days it will take to let go of the one I love. But I have faith that my Autumn is following right after this Summer season.

"Tom: Did you ever even have a boyfriend? Summer: Of course. Tom: What happened, why didn’t they work out? Summer: What always happens? Life." - (500) Days Of Summer.

Change.

Change: v. to make or become different; transform.

My life has decided to do a whole lot of that over the past month and a half. But I guess that's a part of living... going through transitions that will turn you into the person you're meant to become. Lately I've felt so alone... I've turned to God, but even that doesn't seem to be enough. I'm physically alone here on Earth it seems. I know I have my friends and my family, but there is something missing... him. I've come to accept the fact that he no longer wants to be with me, but I can't accept the fact that I don't know why. I don't know why he can just drop all we had, or why he can be okay without me, when I'm not really okay without him. The feeling comes and goes in waves... like ocean water breaking over my feet, then rushing backwards again, leaving my skin exposed to sunlight and air once again. I don't think there will ever come a time when a part of me won't be waiting for him, always. Waiting for him to miss me. Waiting for him to realize that our story was a beautiful one most people don't have for themselves to tell. And knowing that my heart will always hold him dearly in it, frightens me.


"You've been away too long, but she will choose to believe, and her heart is so strong, it's strong enough, if only it could see, always, always she waits for you, always, always she waits for you, always, everday she waits, instead you walk away." - "Always" (Peter Bradley Adams)

Tearing Heartstrings.

The other night at church, Dave our speaker, asked us to stand and lift our hands up to God like we were little children wanting to be picked up by our daddies. He told us by doing this we'd be following up on the message that was spoken about wanting God to save us from the places inside we want to heal. I closed my eyes and reached for the sky. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me as the song came to a close and we lowered our arms. I truly felt like God had right there begun to heal my heart. But tonight, two days after I asked to be healed, Scott texted me while intoxicated asking how I honestly felt about him. I told him that I loved him and always would but I had to be strong about the fact we broke up and want to at least be friends if anything. He wrote back saying he it wasn't the best time to mention that sort of thing and he apologized and said he had to go, and I know it was only because he was drunk which is okay. But at the same time, by him asking me that simple question, I feel like someone has grabbed me by my ankle and dragged me all the way back down to rock bottom on the murky ocean floor. I no longer can see the light breaking over the surface just ahead of me. My heartstrings are being tugged so hard and can't take much more. If they rip, who knows how long it will take for me to mend it. I just want things to be how they were.


"You can't play on broken strings, you can't feel anything..." - James Morrison ("Broken Strings")

Broken Wings.

I want to get out of this town so badly... but I feel like a bird with broken wings. I am stuck...can't go anywhere... though I feel the urge so deep within me to fly away, like its something I have to do.
Tomorrow marks another year since I came into this world. Some years have been better than others... if I had looked at my life in last years perspective to now, I would not have even imagined my life turning into what it has. Last year I was in love, had tons of friends I could count on, and was truly happy. Who would have thought that only one year down the road, all of that would be snatched from right out from underneath me? Was it me who changed, or was it in fact, them?
I guess some things in life can't be explained... there has to be some reason why I am still stuck in this little town. I just hope that my wings heal soon, and I can fly away and not ever look back.


"You were alone, you were constantly broken, you felt so unloved, you were left abandoned, what a difference love can make, to the deep heartbreak." - 33 Miles ("This Is Now")

Atonement.

I feel like if I don't make cordial amends with my ex, we may never get to that point. People say that time is the best thing for it right now, and I know that's got to be true, but at the same time I'm so frightened that if we don't at least try to talk, we'll go our separate ways and never find each other again. Someone who meant the world to you should still be a part of that world in some way, even if they can't be the entire thing anymore.

"How we must atone, before we turn to stone..." - Ingrid Michaelson

I do also believe the saying that if you love something you should let it go and if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was. So I guess for now, I am going to have to let go of Scott once and for all, like letting go of a balloon and watching it float quickly out of my grasp. Though unlike a balloon, there is a chance he could come back. It may not be now, but maybe eventually things will be different and he'll once again want a relationship. I'm not going to expect it, and I am not going to focus on it. I am going to watch it fade into the great open skies until I can't see it anymore and it's gone. Everything happens for a reason. I just have this feeling somewhere inside of me that this isn't the end of my story with Scott. I believe there is more to come, even if it can't be continued right now.


"The only way to really know, is to really let it go." - Ingrid Michaelson

Summer Sunsets & Life Journeys.

The sky tonight is painted purple and gold. I'm outside, feeling the warm summer air and listening to the birds. I'm at peace with the world as it begins to go to sleep for the night.
I watch the sun sink quickly behind a hill and disappear until tomorrow when it will rise and give me a new start to a new day.
It's exciting not knowing what tomorrow will hold, if I'll meet someone new, make someone smile, have something make me cry... But I guess that's all a part of the mystery of life.
I believe there is a plan for all of us... a story already etched out where everything that happens to us in our lives is meant to.
We're supposed to experience loss and love, sadness and joy, tears and laughter... it's all a part of the journey and I am thankful for everyone who has been a part of mine.


"Only a life lived for others is a life worth while." -Albert Einstein

Grey Skies Seem Right.

Why do people change? And why is it when they do change that sometimes they change for the worse? Why don't people treat others the way they want to be treated? And most of all, why do people who you once meant everything in their life suddenly feel like you mean nothing at all?
The weather tonight is perfect. Cloudy skies and thunder to match how I am feeling. Totally alone, betrayed... the sky tonight is like a canvas of my broken heart.

"Every time I say I miss you tonight, grey skies seem right..."- Alexa Wilkinson ("Grey Skies")

It's A Beautiful World.

This world we live in amazes me... I am so thankful for every breath I take, every experience that comes my way. Every little thing, both good and bad, helps mold me into the person I'm meant to become. Having just lost my first love, someone who meant the world to me, and seeing both of us change and our relationship crumble before my eyes, I have faith even more in my life, and in the journey I am on.
There is nothing I want more to do now in this world, but to continue my life voyage, to find myself, find God, beauty, hope, laughter and tears. I want to help those in the world who need it the most, I want to save this environment the best that I can and do my part... I want to write inspirational music to get others through the hard times, just as I used music for my crutch, when I needed something to hold onto the most.
Everyday I write in here, I am going to try to write one positive thing that I have done with my life that day, to selflessly help another person out. My goal is to do one thing for someone every day, to better myself and others around me, and to give faith to others that the heart of life is good.



"Pain throws your heart to the ground, Love turns the whole thing around, No it won't all go the way it should, But I know the heart of life is good..." -John Mayer ("The Heart Of Life")