A Hole In My Pocket.

It's been a while since I've written on here because I don't have much else to say about my life and the things I've been going through. Nothing has really improved. It's kind of sick and twisted that last year was the best year I've ever known, and I get to follow up with that one with the worst one. I've come to learn about myself that when I love, I love wholeheartedly. The walls I built up around me when I was dating Scott made me feel safe... it was a structure that was supposed to stay standing. I didn't expect it all to come crumbling down. But it has. And now I am standing in a pile of rubble and don't know where to start to begin putting it all back together again. I've come to know God lately in a way that has amazed me, and I look to Him now for healing. I have humbled myself in the most humiliating and pleading way, and now all I have to do is wait, and live my life for Him. Love Him wholeheartedly. It's comforting to know that with Him, those walls will stay standing until long after I leave this earth. That's the only hope I can be given in this life.

"There's a hole in my pocket that's about his size, but I think everything is gonna be alright, I hope everything is gonna be alright..." Joshua Radin ("Will's Lullaby")

Walking Down This Road Alone.

It's been three months now, and I am still wandering down my path of life alone. I am no better now than I was when Scott first left, though I'm not worse either. I feel like I need to get some sort of closure in order to start feeling better, but I am too afraid to ask for it. There's not much else that I have left to lose at this point, but I don't want to ruin the progress we've been making when it comes to occasionally talking at work. Do I risk it and ask? Or do I sit here suffering in silence? I don't even know what I would say if the opportunity arose for me to get to talk to him about everything. I know that once you close the door it will never be the way it was before... so I've already lost. Why is it that love is both the most amazing feeling in the world and the worst when you lose it? But if I had to choose between love and losing, and to never have known that amazing feeling, I still will side with love. This suffering is such an unbearable hurting, and my heart goes out tonight to all the millions of other hearts aching for someone they lost... I feel almost at peace knowing I am not on my own in this, though I am walking down this road alone.

"I'm walking down this road alone, and I figured all I'm thinking about is you, is you my love. My head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away, and I'm just waiting to fall in droplets and sink into your skin." - Jason Reeves ("Droplets")

Connected Souls & Lifted Voices.

I am a dreamer... I see the world not only for what it is, but for what it could be. I believe love is one of the greatest things we can come to know on earth. In my heart there is the greatest faith that everything will turn out alright in the end. I live my life everyday thankful for everything I have and the beauty around me. This world is an amazing place. Sometimes you just have to look a little deeper than the ugly illusion on the surface to see the beauty that's really there. I'm not afraid to be alive. These days so many people are. I sing because it's a connection. When we gather to listen to music all of our souls grab hands, and lift their voices up together. We become one. And there is no better feeling in the world..."The children outside all are laughing under perfect skies, The shapes and patterns in this season make me feel alive, I wanna shout it from the roof top and tell the world that, “I was blind but now I see what’s right in front of me...”, It’s a beautiful world I see, everything looks differently, It’s a beautiful world I see, these moments are changing me, When I look at the sky I see the reason why I know... When I look out from the window, The moon and stars shine all their lights down from the heavens, I choir of angels strike a chord and lift their voices , And then we sing out,“I’ve been lost but now I’ve found what’s right in front of me...”" - Tim Myers ("Beautiful World")

Oxygen & Drifting Clouds.

Music is my oxygen. My connection with the ones around me, and my escape. Breathing in, breathing out. When I am creating music through my voice and guitar, the feeling is indescribable. Like drifting clouds on a brilliant day. Love.
There are two artists that have inspired me the most... Colbie Caillat and Jason Reeves. I have had the honor of meeting Jason twice, and tell him how much he has meant to me musically. He told me to be magical with my music, and that is something I plan to do. This next month, I get the opportunity to also meet Colbie after her performance I am going to see, so I am blessed in many ways in that area of my life. The area that runs the deepest. The words those two write are brilliant, and I hope one day to be able to write like them myself. Even though they can't see it here, thank you Jason & Colbie, for being the inspiration in my life.


"I'm not sure what is a dream and what is real. Or if real is a real word and if words even exist outside of our imagination..I still can't say for certain if falling asleep is opening your eyes in the morning or closing them at night. And im lonely. But not sadly. Everybody is alone. I want love like love wants love..oxygen and drifting clouds. And im not scared to be alive. These days more people are. Money is an illusion. The world has been gaining some sort of momentum over "time" and every day it's spinning faster. We are growing up too quick. Someday I'll start to. I write music because it feels like breathing. I sing because it is connection. I wish everybody would sing with me and without even gathering together sing so honestly that the songs could be carried on wind and heard at every point in the universe, even in translation. I wish there were no more bombs or bullets. And I wish we'd stop using politicians for negotiations. People are far too beautiful at heart to be introduced so cruelly into the blinding brilliant world. Children. If there were to be a new beginning. Would it all come out the same way again?" - Jason Reeves

Here Comes The Sun.

I am finally beginning to see the sun in my life peeking out behind the clouds. :)
I've reached the point in my life where I have realized it's not HIM that I necessarily miss, but what we had and what we shared. But there is going to come a time in my life when I will find that again with someone else. Things are now beginning to look up for me. I have a new look for a whole new start, am about to move in with two amazing girls from Montana that I can't wait to meet in person, will have new classes and make new friends in one weeks time... and I will be back on the market, out to find the real person who is meant to capture my heart. I am no longer afraid of looking. I am so sick of the way I've been treated lately, and the things that have been said. I'm letting go of all the negative energy in my heart, and all the terrible feelings inside. Only I can decide when they are let go, and it's time for it all to be set free. Goodbye, Scott. :)

"Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces, Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here, Here comes the sun, here comes the sun , and I say it's all right..."- The Beatles ("Here Comes The Sun")

Blank Pages.

I put away the journal Scott made me the day we broke up. I couldn't bear to look at another page- another message from him confessing his love, or stickers expressing happiness, when I no longer know what that feels like at all. This entire summer, I've put that journal away, and haven't started a new one, even though I've bought two others. I keep holding onto the hope of him changing his mind, so I can go back to my journal again. It's pathetic.

(484) Days of Scott.

I saw (500) Days of Summer tonight and I think for the first time in my entire life I can relate to a character from a movie. The story is of boy meets girl, but isn't a love story, but instead a story about love. The girl, Summer, leaves the boy, Tom, and he would do anything to get her back. In the end, he doesn't win but it showed me that there will be someone else out there for me eventually... someone else I am meant to meet by fate. I met Scott 484 days ago today, and I still feel the same way about him after all this time. I would do anything to get him back. I feel like there is nobody else out there for me. Some days I relapse into this state of being, where I am in my body, but not really there. I am stuck in a trance, wanting to believe that my reality is a farce.
I am at 484 days and counting. I think I will be breaking Tom's record in the movie of the number of days it will take to let go of the one I love. But I have faith that my Autumn is following right after this Summer season.

"Tom: Did you ever even have a boyfriend? Summer: Of course. Tom: What happened, why didn’t they work out? Summer: What always happens? Life." - (500) Days Of Summer.