Notions of Non-Believers & Faith of Followers.

I've come to learn through talking with non-believers the reasons why they don't believe in God, and I truthfully have to say that it makes me terribly sad. Some have said that when they tried living "religiously" and for God that they weren't happy, and when they began living for themselves that's when they became happiest. But you see, that's exactly what will happen. Satan has taken their life and given them what they want, just to try to trick them into thinking that "they don't need God." And the sad thing is, they believe it. But these people still live with a void inside of them, and they turn to drugs, sex, or other forms of addiction in order to fill it... when really it is only Him that can. One big reason I've heard a lot that they don't like religion is because of the radical Christians who try to ram it down their throats, bash their lifestyle, or are just completely hypocritical. The wolves in sheep's clothing. That in itself makes me terribly sad, that there are people out there that do that to so many and don't even realize half the time they're doing it. But despite it all, God decided to give us free will to chose to love Him and live for Him or not in the first place, and regardless of who we may meet or the things we may hear others say. If He didn't and we all loved Him, it would be a forced love... an empty love. And that's not real love.

I guess I can understand a little coming from a home myself where I wasn't raised to believe in God how it could sometimes be hard to believe in something that you can't see or anything

along those lines. But if you really look, you will see His spirit move. If you simply look at the things around you on this Earth, you see God and His creations. You don't need to see air to know that it's there... you can feel it when you breathe... when there is a slight breeze that brushes your skin. God is the same. You may not be able to see Him, but when you let Him in-breathe Him in- you can feel Him, and just like your lungs are filled, you are filled. With His love, His joy, His peace... that void we are all born with becomes whole.

"I have not seen Heaven, I haven't seen your face, but I've seen your spirit move." - "Fame" (Rush of Fools)

Conflictions.

Life can be so confusing at times... and even the use of prayer doesn't always get you out of that hole. I finally opened my heart back up and let a new boy in... only for him to no longer have those feelings towards me. He said God told him that his purpose in my life is to be my friend... the final push towards God. And he was. How can I argue with something like that... with a higher power? The only thing I don't understand is why I was being led towards him over and over while he was being led away. I keep telling myself everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to work out someday than it will. But the feelings for him have gotten worse, and we keep changing... barely texting throughout the day, slight awkwardness when we hang out...

I feel so conflicted lately not only with how I feel about him when I know that I shouldn't, but also with the situation I am in. I try to accept it, but I can't. My heart yearns for him, when I

know that it shouldn't. I am stuck in the same familiar feeling of a relationship ending, though ours never even got to be.

I know I just have to keep pressing in with my faith and pursuing God, for everything He does is for the good of us. I'm not sure why the feelings for Blake have gotten deeper instead of shallower as I have been praying for, but I know in time everything will work out how it should. Prayer would be greatly appreciated for me to help get me through this.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him." - Romans 8:28

Testimony of Hope & Healing.

I grew up in a home where I wasn’t raised to know Jesus… I didn’t go to church, we didn’t pray before our meals or before we went to bed, and there wasn’t a Bible in my home. I always believed there was a God, but I never had a real relationship with Him, and that was because I simply didn’t know how.
I believe everything, both good and bad, happens for a reason. I also believe those things that are bad also lead to something good. When I was fifteen years old, someone took advantage of me and manipulated me. Eventually my parents found out, and they decided it’d be good for me to go to a Christian school (Post Falls Christian Academy) where I could learn to “be good.” I have to say, that was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
God first touched my heart at the retreat the school had right before the school year began. Pastor Caleb was none other than the one who spoke that night during worship. God spoke right through Him to me the very thing I needed to hear and I started bawling. That was the first time I had gotten the smallest taste of what life knowing God was like.
The past few years, I have gone to church by choice, but still never really got close enough to have a real relationship with God. Maybe I was afraid of that commitment? I am not too sure the reason why… I think a lot of it has to do with the fact I didn’t grow up in a Christian home… it makes it really hard to believe with all your heart in something you didn’t grow up being taught was real.
This past October someone very important came into my life. He has become my best friend, and I feel like in a way he saved me from the person I was becoming. This person is Blake Ridgewell. He has influenced me to be the better person I have always wanted to be and is just so uplifting and so amazing as a person. He is the one, in fact, who introduced me to the NLY.
I have been coming to the NLY since January 13th, and it has changed my life. I have become so addicted to going and with what God has been doing for me since I have started. The second time I went to NLY, I still had the burning doubt inside of me that none of it was true. Ever since I decided to become a Christian I struggled with that. So when they did the alter call that night, I went out the doors to the right and spoke with Debby Hanks, another amazing person I have met recently. She prayed for those feelings to go away, and sure enough the next time I came to NLY it was gone and hasn’t been back since.
Everyone I have met at NLY has welcomed me with open arms and been so caring, which is extremely important to me because I don’t have that many friends outside of NLY. Not many people I have met lately have been true and uplifting people you can share true friendship with. I don’t have my family to turn to whenever I want because they are constantly out of town doing business and I am left alone. Because of this, all of the people I have met through New Life Youth are held in the dearest place of my heart and I am so thankful for every one.
This last week in particular God has really been doing great changes in my life. On February 10th, he used a girl a few years younger than me who happened to have the same name as me to tell me the exact words I had been praying to hear that entire night. On February 13th, my back pains associated with my scoliosis started acting up to the point where I couldn’t move my right arm without a sharp pain firing down my shoulder-blade. Blake asked to pray for me, and I kept praying for healing the next few days. On the 16th I went to my physical therapy appointment, as I have always been the past 5 months, and told my therapist about the pain I had experienced on Saturday, and that I didn’t feel it that day. He checked everything and said that my shoulders, neck, hips, and back were all completely in alignment and he had no explanation as to why everything was perfect after the pain I described to him. But I had one. It was all thanks to God and the amazing abilities of prayer. Just as I was finishing up physical therapy, Blake randomly thought of the pain I was in, and a peace washed over him. Right after that, I texted him and told him I had good news. I called him and told him that I had been discharged from physical therapy and don’t have to go back anymore. It’s been 2 days since my appointment and I still feel better than I have since I discovered I have scoliosis over a year ago.
Yesterday, Hannah Goodwin, Kayla Blythe and Hannah Billick all prayed for me to experience joy with God, and the Holy Spirit that is inside me since I had never experienced it as they have. Last night at NLY during the alter call I felt so unbelievably joyful inside, like I was overflowing with it, drunk off of laughter. I looked around me and saw others weren’t experiencing that same thing, but rather tears of sadness. So I closed my eyes and began to pray that everyone would have smiles on their face, be laughing and dancing… and when I finally opened my eyes again I saw just that, which just made the joy flow from me even more.
I am sure there are those of you who weren’t raised in a Christian home. You had to seek God out for yourself… maybe you haven’t fully found Him or have that nagging feeling of doubt. But if you open your heart up, amazing things will begin to happen. Don’t be afraid to ask for prayer, or guidance from a friend. No matter what you may be thinking, or the things you may choose to do, God won’t stop seeking your heart. I have come to realize this over the past few weeks that He has been with me all along and always will be. God loves each of us unconditionally, and there is no greater thing. Wherever you may be on your journey with Him, don’t lose sight of that.

Behold, I will bring health and healing; I will heal them and reveal to them the abundance of peace and truth. -- Jeremiah 33:6

The Happiness Project.

I recently read a book about a project the author did for herself called The Happiness Project. In it she had made some commandments to try to live by everyday. Feeling inspired, I created some of my own. There are 50 altogether. Hopefully posting them up somewhere in my room will only continue to better myself as a person. Maybe this list will inspire you to make your own, and make little improvements in your life yourself. :)

Personal Commandments

1. Stay as mindful as possible in every moment.
2. Listen more.
3. Let go.
4. Create structure.
5. Smile.
6. Mean what you say and say what you mean.
7. I have the ultimate control over how I feel.
8. Remember what is important.
9. Don't compare myself to others.
10. It's okay to say no.
11. Don't complain.
12. Follow through.
13. Never settle.
14. Look for the best in others.
15. Live in the moment.
16. Think about what others might be going through and recognize it for what it's worth.
17. Wake up with a happy thought every morning.
18. Constantly better myself by learning new things and stepping out of my comfort zone.
19. Put God first in all I do.
20. Meditate or sit in silence once a day.
21. Go on walks alone to contemplate life and think.
22. Think of all the blessings you have despite a dilemma or rough/tough day.
23. Save money, stop spending on useless things.
24. Eat healthy 5 days... exercise at least 3. Drink more water and less soda.
25. Remember the person I once was before the wrong people entered my life.
26. Find something everyday to be happy about.
27. Try to pick out the good things in a situation, and less of the bad.
28. Volunteer more and give, with no expectations in return.
29. Keep organized and pick up.
30. Read, write and express creativity.
31. Engage in taking chances.
32. Hold relationships close and friendships closer.
33. Stay away from "toxic" unhealthy people in my life.
34. Pay close attention to studies and put them first.
35. Go enjoy local music or art at least once a week.
36. Get plenty of sleep.
37. Take time to pray everyday.
38. Don't take what you currently have for granted.
39. Be kind, be helpful, be sincere.
40. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle.
41. It's not all about me. Think of others. Admit when I'm wrong.
42. Stop waiting for the world to change. Become the change.
43. Continue my spiritual and personal growth.
44. Lift up others daily with words - speak life not death.
45. Judge not, unless I want to be judged by the same standard.
46. Think and speak positively about everything- anything negative I say, people will associate that negative thing with myself.
47. Remember everyone is a human being with feelings... put those feelings first before you speak. Everyone is being the best they can be already. Give them some slack.
48. Finish what I start.
49. Learn to trust. Learn faith.
50. Be Kelly. :)
"Whoever is happy will make others happy too." - Anne Frank.

A Letter to Lost Love.

I sit here alone tonight... my mind traveling back to times we had. Loneliness aches deep within my soul. Life was so much easier the past few weeks when you had gone away... getting to taste how sweet life was without me no longer having to see you in it... When I see you, I can't help but want to touch your skin... embrace you as I used to. I have forgotten what that feels like. What it feels to have your hand upon my skin, that security, that love. You loved me once, didn't you? How is it that you could have so easily forgotten, when I sit here half a year later and still remember it as if it were yesterday. Your hands... how I wish I could entwine yours once again with mine... perfect pieces to a puzzle. Entwined just as our hearts were. But if there ever were to be an opportunity for me to experience what we had again, I would say no to it. For even though I love you, I know things would never be the same. After everything you have put me through after the past few months, there is no saving it. Our love died the moment "I can't do this anymore" escaped from your lips. I tasted it, as those words lingered in the air... felt our love's heart stop beating... It is the hardest thing for me to have to say we are over, as it is the last thing that I would ever want in this life. It's hard to admit it. But it's the truth. And true to myself I must be. Please forget me, lost love. Leave, and never return. I don't want to feel your presence anymore. It hurts too much to remember. I will always cherish memories of you...
- Kelly Ann

"All that we are is defined by each others' shipwrecked hearts..." - Jason Reeves ("Entwined")

l'espoir est le rêve d'une âme éveillée

l'espoir est le rêve d'une âme éveillée. Hope is the dream of a soul awake. My soul is finally waking up. It's wiping its eyes, letting the sunlight of a brand new day blanket it. The tearstains on my soul's pillowcase are fading... the ghost of them still there, just as the hurt still is inside, but it's not as bad. My soul has been awakened as it begins to embrace hope.
I have been blessed with a soul sister... one who shares the horrible pain I wish no other would ever have to endure. Neither one of us deserve it, and yet it's there. I am just thankful I am no longer alone in the healing. There has never been anyone else in my life that knows exactly what I am feeling. Sure, I have shared love and feelings of love... but hurt, it runs a lot deeper.
In 2 days, 2009 will come to it's end, and with it I am going to leave behind my sorrow, and my pain. I am going to embrace 2010 as my opportunity to be happy again. A fresh start. This life is my own, and that is how I am going to live it. And I have every intention of embracing my soul sister's hand, and taking her with me, and side by side we will awaken our souls, and find the light and happiness in our hearts we so deserve.


"Hope is the companion of power, and mother of success; for who so hopes strongly has within him the gift of miracles." - Samuel Smiles.

Where Once There Was Nothing.

Once again it's been a while since I've written... I thought maybe I should just to let all of you who occasionally read this to know that I am doing a lot better, and to not worry about my heart any longer. It has been saved as I have drawn closer with God, and I am still continuing to do so. Where once there was nothing, hope and love is filled. Now that I am doing a lot better, there is a lot of repairing I have to do in my life. To those I may have shunned in my own selfish attempt to save my feelings, to those I didn't lend an ear to when they needed someone in their own time of grief or suffering, and to those who I simply didn't give the time of day to. To you, I am deeply sorry. Nobody but myself will ever know the amount of suffering I went through over the past four months. Everyone loves differently in deeper ways, and everyone grieves over loss in different ways. But that is no excuse for the other pain I may have caused. I've gained friends, lost friends, made good decisions and bad decisions, but that's all a part of the journey of life.
It's been heavy on my heart lately to speak with a few people and to let them know my deepest regrets. Maybe it's too late. Maybe it isn't. I've been praying about what I should do, and some I feel I should speak to, so I will. If I am hurt in the process, I'll only learn from it.
Lately I feel like I have been called to help people less fortunate than I. I feel so selfish sitting around moping about little things that aren't better in my life, when not only could I fix it, but that there are people out there less fortunate than me. This Christmas I plan on donating to Operation Christmas Child, as well as other organizations like Light Gives Heat, to help those in other countries who need help the most.
There is a book I am reading by my favorite author Donald Miller called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It is about living your life to the fullest, and using the time you have wisely and making the most out of everything. I plan on applying all of it to my life. A lot of people have told me lately they've seen a change in me, and I am going to continue to change for the better.
To all of you reading this, I hope that it motivates you to do the same in your life. It's too short not to make things that are wrong right again in your heart. There is no knowing how much time we have here. Where once there may be nothing, there could be hope, happiness and love.


"I don't ever want to go back to believing life is meaningless. I know there are biochemical causes for some forms of depression, but I wish people who struggle against dark thoughts would risk their hopes on living a good story- by that I mean finding a team of people doing hard work for a noble cause and joining them. I think they'd be surprised how fast their sad thoughts would dissipate, if for no other reason they didn't have time to think about them anymore." -Donald Miller "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."