Change.

Change: v. to make or become different; transform.

My life has decided to do a whole lot of that over the past month and a half. But I guess that's a part of living... going through transitions that will turn you into the person you're meant to become. Lately I've felt so alone... I've turned to God, but even that doesn't seem to be enough. I'm physically alone here on Earth it seems. I know I have my friends and my family, but there is something missing... him. I've come to accept the fact that he no longer wants to be with me, but I can't accept the fact that I don't know why. I don't know why he can just drop all we had, or why he can be okay without me, when I'm not really okay without him. The feeling comes and goes in waves... like ocean water breaking over my feet, then rushing backwards again, leaving my skin exposed to sunlight and air once again. I don't think there will ever come a time when a part of me won't be waiting for him, always. Waiting for him to miss me. Waiting for him to realize that our story was a beautiful one most people don't have for themselves to tell. And knowing that my heart will always hold him dearly in it, frightens me.


"You've been away too long, but she will choose to believe, and her heart is so strong, it's strong enough, if only it could see, always, always she waits for you, always, always she waits for you, always, everday she waits, instead you walk away." - "Always" (Peter Bradley Adams)

Tearing Heartstrings.

The other night at church, Dave our speaker, asked us to stand and lift our hands up to God like we were little children wanting to be picked up by our daddies. He told us by doing this we'd be following up on the message that was spoken about wanting God to save us from the places inside we want to heal. I closed my eyes and reached for the sky. I felt like a weight had been lifted off me as the song came to a close and we lowered our arms. I truly felt like God had right there begun to heal my heart. But tonight, two days after I asked to be healed, Scott texted me while intoxicated asking how I honestly felt about him. I told him that I loved him and always would but I had to be strong about the fact we broke up and want to at least be friends if anything. He wrote back saying he it wasn't the best time to mention that sort of thing and he apologized and said he had to go, and I know it was only because he was drunk which is okay. But at the same time, by him asking me that simple question, I feel like someone has grabbed me by my ankle and dragged me all the way back down to rock bottom on the murky ocean floor. I no longer can see the light breaking over the surface just ahead of me. My heartstrings are being tugged so hard and can't take much more. If they rip, who knows how long it will take for me to mend it. I just want things to be how they were.


"You can't play on broken strings, you can't feel anything..." - James Morrison ("Broken Strings")

Broken Wings.

I want to get out of this town so badly... but I feel like a bird with broken wings. I am stuck...can't go anywhere... though I feel the urge so deep within me to fly away, like its something I have to do.
Tomorrow marks another year since I came into this world. Some years have been better than others... if I had looked at my life in last years perspective to now, I would not have even imagined my life turning into what it has. Last year I was in love, had tons of friends I could count on, and was truly happy. Who would have thought that only one year down the road, all of that would be snatched from right out from underneath me? Was it me who changed, or was it in fact, them?
I guess some things in life can't be explained... there has to be some reason why I am still stuck in this little town. I just hope that my wings heal soon, and I can fly away and not ever look back.


"You were alone, you were constantly broken, you felt so unloved, you were left abandoned, what a difference love can make, to the deep heartbreak." - 33 Miles ("This Is Now")

Atonement.

I feel like if I don't make cordial amends with my ex, we may never get to that point. People say that time is the best thing for it right now, and I know that's got to be true, but at the same time I'm so frightened that if we don't at least try to talk, we'll go our separate ways and never find each other again. Someone who meant the world to you should still be a part of that world in some way, even if they can't be the entire thing anymore.

"How we must atone, before we turn to stone..." - Ingrid Michaelson

I do also believe the saying that if you love something you should let it go and if it comes back to you it's yours, if it doesn't it never was. So I guess for now, I am going to have to let go of Scott once and for all, like letting go of a balloon and watching it float quickly out of my grasp. Though unlike a balloon, there is a chance he could come back. It may not be now, but maybe eventually things will be different and he'll once again want a relationship. I'm not going to expect it, and I am not going to focus on it. I am going to watch it fade into the great open skies until I can't see it anymore and it's gone. Everything happens for a reason. I just have this feeling somewhere inside of me that this isn't the end of my story with Scott. I believe there is more to come, even if it can't be continued right now.


"The only way to really know, is to really let it go." - Ingrid Michaelson

Summer Sunsets & Life Journeys.

The sky tonight is painted purple and gold. I'm outside, feeling the warm summer air and listening to the birds. I'm at peace with the world as it begins to go to sleep for the night.
I watch the sun sink quickly behind a hill and disappear until tomorrow when it will rise and give me a new start to a new day.
It's exciting not knowing what tomorrow will hold, if I'll meet someone new, make someone smile, have something make me cry... But I guess that's all a part of the mystery of life.
I believe there is a plan for all of us... a story already etched out where everything that happens to us in our lives is meant to.
We're supposed to experience loss and love, sadness and joy, tears and laughter... it's all a part of the journey and I am thankful for everyone who has been a part of mine.


"Only a life lived for others is a life worth while." -Albert Einstein

Grey Skies Seem Right.

Why do people change? And why is it when they do change that sometimes they change for the worse? Why don't people treat others the way they want to be treated? And most of all, why do people who you once meant everything in their life suddenly feel like you mean nothing at all?
The weather tonight is perfect. Cloudy skies and thunder to match how I am feeling. Totally alone, betrayed... the sky tonight is like a canvas of my broken heart.

"Every time I say I miss you tonight, grey skies seem right..."- Alexa Wilkinson ("Grey Skies")